Broken things can become blessed things if you let God do the mending.

I started this blog one year ago this month. I named is Family means believing.... Would  I ever guess  the tests that would come to just that- my family! The picture, thank you to my sister Tenae, is myself, my husband Mark and our boys Noah and Jacob.. still a family! Still believing! The tests that have come to this family over the last couple of years have been more than anyone would ask for, think they could handle...and yet at the end of this day, I am thankful! We still have our little Jacob, doing amazing! We still have each other! We still work hard to keep what we wanted in the beginning: to never have to divorce, to never give up on us or our children, to give our all to love each other the rest of our days, to raise our boys to pray, know, and live for Jesus Christ(ya we actually wanted that from the beginning but didn't know how), and to believe no matter what! 

I keep hearing and seeing "test leads to testimony". Well I may not have my testimony all detailed out BUT I do know that without a doubt I believe it that!  When I just was not yet at my most accepting and ready..the Lord still had patience with me and the next storm came. I am still here because of Him. There is a peace we have come to know from our trials and testimonies.

 Leading up to this day, I have had some hard times accepting and focused on all the hard of it all, instead of the blessing that it has become. Broken things can become blessed things if you let God do the mending is 1,000% right!!! I remember being on my knees, daily, crying and asking why, not trusting in His plan...just trying so hard on my own. I shake my head at myself now! LOL I COULD NOT DO THIS ALL ON MY OWN! IT FINALLY CLICKED! I was at a point I couldn't fix it, couldn't understand it, had nowhere to turn for answers...until I had my prayer angel say to me(love Mary!) when will you stop "trying" and just do it? Just let go??!!!! In that spilt second it just clicked, something happened and I am not sure I know how to explain. Some say it is the feeling of grace. In that spilt moment, with all the praying I had been doing, time on my knees pleading with the Lord, trying on my own, I gave in. I gave my life fully and as best I understood how, to God. In my weakest moments, I was finally able to be submissive to God's plan for me, for my life, for my family.

Another of the most heart melting things for me and shocking, was when I got to see Mark be baptized. I find it sad that I honestly was shocked because I did not know he was not. It was just a thing I took for granted instead of making it a priority in my marriage-big mistake! I have never felt and probably never will feel another feeling like that!!!!  I have always known God had a plan and thought my life was somewhat right, but never committed to it full heartily. It never clicked  and now I know God knew just exactly what he had planned for the two opposites who no one thought would make it!!!!! Perhaps I was doing my part all along..hmmmm.lol

I am not saying my life was just horrible, but I had not fully lived for the only One, for Jesus Christ, for God;  I was living for the now and thinking oh I will be ok... there is no other way and am I ever thankful it finally clicked. Would I say after the fact that man I just want to relive all of that.. hmm good questions but since that is what it took for our family to be where it is now...YES! I see so many people going through storms and just want to do my best to get them to their saving grace. I want them to be able to "get it" too!!!!! 
 Like I heard today though, we can plant the seeds, water, and check on them, but it is all in God's time and his plan for when those seeds grow into fruitful harvest. Does not mean I will stop fishing, but am more patient and understanding now, that was our time...everyone has their time! I am learning tons, wanting to learn more, know I will still be growing as a baby Christian, unsure of God's plan for me but finally have given into that pulling in my heart and so ecstatic to see where God is taking me and definitely my family. I am not perfect by far but can and will try my hardest!! Some may get it, some do not, some think it is stupid, others doubt it... others opinions don't matter. I just have to show them the way and live my life for God. We all fall short but I sure want to grow taller(LOL).

So this is my rambling for this day that could have been the fork in the road last year to ending this family. Family does mean believing in good times, hard times, unsure times, scary times, happy times, all times! WE are members of God's family and He has never stopped believing in us!

Overwhelming ...

Again another day, I don't know what it is that says it is a blogging day but when the status update on fb just isn't cutting it I sometimes realize it is blog day. LOL
This weekend has been crammed pack with excitement: Noah's soccer game!, Jacob's birthday party, church, family and friend time.... But one things remains constant and I can't kick it. This overwhelming emotion boiling in me. Ever looked at something and seen it for the blessing it is instead of just what it is???  No I am not having my "monthly" to be an emotional wreck, but I feel this powerful presence wanting to burst out of me. I look at my boys and have been in tears this weekend. I sing a simple song and I can't hold it in. I hear other people's testimonies and I just say again wow and how blessed am I!!!


As the people who know my life story...if only even since Jacob has been around, I definitely did not say thank you Lord when I was on my knees and in tears that I couldn't stop at that point. I was saying God why is this happening? Why me? and scared! I did not trust in what is now my life and my path and my plan that God has had and always will have for me. We all have trials and tribulations...man oh man do we!! Ever read James 1:2? Dear brothers and sisters when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when you endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

This goes back to my today. I don't believe we ever actually "see" God's plan for us in black and white; however, the last two days is like my heart is finally grasping at what peace, love, trusting in all that HE is and the blessings God has given me. That He is MY savior. I am not so low, unimportant, worthless bc I don't own this or that or wear this or that or I don't work now. BUT I AM IMPORTANT TO GOD. HE MADE ME. HE HAS A PLAN FOR ME. I AM BLESSED!!! I AM HAPPY!!!!! It is as if the tears need to flow to water my soul...not in pain or hurt but for joy and happiness! And I have never been to that point!!!! Man thank you Lord!  It is a very overwhelming thought to me! I may not know how to say what I need to, feel how I am supposed to, but the life I have had has made me this way. Each experience, each trial, each joy, each loss, each everything.  I do ask for wisdom and guidance as we did hear about in our series at church about growing up into more mature Christians. I feel I have accepted now that God wants to use me(man did that take a while to accept that in itself!), has a path...but MAN I SO WISH I COULD GET A GLIMPSE OF THE BLUEPRINTS!!

Most though even if they could see the blueprints would prob think they thought better so what good would that do, right? One of the only things I know is that I love every tiny part of being a mama, seeing my boys smiles, hearing their giggles, the sparkles in their eyes, holding & hugging them. Being a mommy is without a doubt more than I could ever ask for or know to ask for as the best blessing I have ever been given. I hear stories of people who have lost, people who choose to not take care of their children, and it blows my mind! ! ! I see people and hear stories of struggling people and learn from them! So never it is my place to judge, but to lift them up, as I know at times I have needed lifting!!! Man oh man if each person just knew a tiny bit of the blessing they are to others, the lesson they teach without knowing, the smile that saved some one's day..... I think people would focus more on other people and more people could know God and be bursting with this unexplainable joy..that for me can only be expressed with tears(and this pathetic blog attempt lol).

You see, I know there are still trials, worries,bumps in the road, for all of us....but is it not better to try your hardest to make another person know God, to know true peace, to be happy... if the pettiness of how much your outfit cost, how big your rims on your vehicle are, how huge your wedding ring is, what your square footage is on your vacation home... was turned to how many struggling, non-drug addicted single moms did I help today by picking up that grocery tab anonymously,  opening the door for that struggling elder, smiling and waving at that woman you don't know that drives a 1980s car, or giving that child you know an extra hug or a good job bc you don't know what trials he or she is facing at that moment, donating/volunteering, giving your all in some way to someone else at least once a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because if you are truly happy and blessed, as we all are in some way, shouldn't we all share that tiny bit we have to someone who may need it?????

Life Changes

I am not sure what it is about a day that tells me to post a blog...but had one of those today. As most people who are directly in my life know, there have been MANY, MANY changes to my life. The first big one that everyone asks about is my job. Yes I quit my job of 3 years, that I have had since we moved to Elk City, and yes I am again a stay-at-home mom(work-at-home mom is more like it WAHM). I enjoyed it so much when I was able to with Noah and wanted  desperately to when we had Jacob; however, I couldn't bc of God's plan for us at that time, with Jacob's health problems, & me carrying the insurance due to having a state job. I feel I need to say bc many people may have not known me when I was pregnant or before even a few months ago; I didn't drink when pregnant, nor ever do drugs, or anything that would ever endanger the life I grew inside me. I did drink more sodas with Jacob than with Noah's pregnancy...so who knows what caused all his little things. I do know that God had a plan & I am so looking forward to Jacob's testimony when he is older.... I know mine is in here just waiting for the time! lol Ok side tracked...lol
I am loving so much getting to stay home with Jacob and being able to take and pick Noah up from school!!! I have always known I wanted to be a mommy and what other job that breaks my soul daily could ever be more important than my boys. I will say that my job began to go downhill when I was pregnant and I thought got better but ya know when a place is just so spirit-breaking, draining, and the higher you lift your life to God; the worse it gets...kinda a clue it is a bad place to be. On top of all that, I was given a coworker's job who had left in December so I was having to be a part of juvenile court, hearings, cases, etc.... and I never signed up for that! I would get so sick, was unable to sleep so much, and just knowing things that just crushed my heart to have to hear was just another boulder on my heart crushing it daily... I just had enough one day. I honestly had been looking for another job secretly for months & never intended to leave without another job...but I 100% have felt a pull in my life lately and all I can say to explain it..is that I finally trust in God full heartedly. I stress much less & feel I am finally opening my heart to see the lights God is turning on, on my path He has for me. There was a day I woke up and went to work, went to court, and came back to the office where I called Mark in tears and said how many ways can God tell me he has another plan for me..so I went to lunch and typed my notice letter. I don't believe God wanted me there any longer bc after that we all got the flu and I was unable to go back. Boy do you really see how people truly are themselves at that point!!! I was very disappointed by what followed.. I won't go into all that bc I am over the minuscule negatives in my life! I have taken the leap of faith in so many aspects of my life for sure!
It was my plan to find another job...but it has turned into Lord I love this new job you had in mind for me of just staying home. We don't live large or extravagantly by any means, but going from 2 incomes to 1 will make us watch our budget even closer... man these stinking medical bills..wish they could just go away! lol We are praying to pay them off soon!!! The strangest thing I would never understand before going through everything with Jacob is that everything will be ok. God always provides and we are always ok!
In the midst of all this, there are 3 jobs we are praying about for Mark. So when I say a change is a coming.. God has hold of our lives and not that it was just the bottom of the barrel life before by any means, but He is working in every aspect of our lives!!!!!!! Oh and did I mention in my last blog how Mark was baptized??!!! See! Change! Amazing change after being together 9 years to be joined truly in God's name as one!
Many people thought, including myself last year was the end of Mark and I. Man was that a huge shock to me and many that knew us!!!!! So without dreading up all the hardships life seemed to give us all at once...we instead are focusing on the awwwwww moments that have now been made so clear to us. Some people think it's crap, some may roll their eyes... it is my path, my blog... I don't force anyone to read my fb, my blog, my texts. So, the way I feel going through everything with Jacob knocked me to my knees, but I was not completely down and out yet... it made me stronger but not stronger in my path with God. So the next part the devil snaked his way into our paths bc he was scared!!!!!.So in the midst of all of my worst pain I had ever felt and I told my prayer angel (Mary at the Eagle) daily how I kept feeling and trying and trying. Finally she says quit trying and just let go, let God have you. Don't you believe He has a plan for you?! She said more but something about that conversation made me stop and say God has a plan for me? Why would he do that? and suddenly in me was something I can never explain! It was a peace like none-other and that was the beginning of the new life for me. Giving it to God's will rather than my own. I don't know all the answers. I do wish there was a yes or no lots of times! But I know my life is changed and the ups and down will come but the view right now from the mountain top is glorious and the valley that was so dark then, is lit up and blooming flowers. Are the scars still there? Absolutely! And yes there are the days I just have to fall to my knees in the middle of doing something bc a thought will hit me.... but it is easier and easier each day to say hey my life is changed and the scars are reminders I don't want to go back! Look at all we have been through to finally make it here.....
On top of all the amazing things of finding a church home, amazing new friends, etc.. the list goes on and on and on.. we have been able to help Noah so much. Part of me staying home is to help him more! He has ADHD and ODD. It isn't that we are bad parents. It isn't that we are the greatest parents... it is that we just had to understand how to work with him. We are still working daily to help him more and more bc I refuse to take what his preK teacher told me(He is the worse kid she ever knew-made me wasnt to slap her) Bc there are those who help children who need help and there are those who dismiss them with no further effort. If he had a disability  people could see, I believe people would understand more, but his is internal. A great new friend I have made along the way has a handicap child and I cherish her so much!!!I have fallen in love with her & her daughter. She understands and supports... no hiding! Her family loves Noah too and understands people treating you like crap when you have a child that needs more help.
Any way... guess I will stop for now and say I am blessed. The title or whatever to this blog Family  Means Believing..man do I know truly how deeply that rings true after the last 2 years of my life!

Been a while....

Well shortly after I started this blog...5 days to be exact, life turned upside down. Easiest way to say it. The journey from July 15, 2011 until today has been the deepest valley of my life and now the highest mountain with the most amazing view. Most who truly know me, know each step in this journey; for those who don't, well you can ask. lol I was just washing dishes tonight after church and felt I wanted to blog all of a sudden.

To Start- the boys! Noah has been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. We have always known he was more stronged willed, defiant, etc... on top of being big for his age...so to finally be told he actually has a diagnoses was a relief but has also come with new challenges. We are currently still trying to find the correct medicine, dosage, and patterns to help Noah. There is a lot to all this so if you do want to know more, I will fill you in or make another blog just for Noah perhaps another night. We continue to pray for guidance, understanding, and pray he knows how much we love him and are trying to help.

Jacob is growing immensely! He is doing so well! We have continued to go to the specialist for his heart and throat/ears. The Drs are amazed how far he has come!! I am so thankful each and every day! I have not forgotten the blessing God has allowed me to have by allowing me to still be his mama every single day. He has begun to be so spoiled so we are starting our disciplining!! lol Boy oh BOY does he know he is a spoiled little precious boy!!!! lol I loved watching him tonight be up front with bubba dancing around and learning to praise God at such a young age. He is adorable! if I could only keep him off the stage-man he loves it! lol We go back to specialist again in March and April.

Now... where to begin me??????  I am not so sure where to start! The big thing right now on my heart is I am soooo thankful to the Lord! In the darkest place I could have gone, been, allowed myself...somehow he as always given me unknown strength! An old friend said " Rick talked about lifes bumps and how we will all get bumped by life some more often and harder than others but we will all get bumped. (We've been studying Ephesians 4) He also said we are all full of something. We are either full of self or full of the Spirit. He said when we get bumped one of the two is going to spill out"... Makes ya think doesn't it?! Made me think tons! I gave my life to God. Asked for strength beyond all strength. I was on my knees and I could not get up! I KNEW there was no way I could get through what i was facing ALONE!  I believe one thousand percent that the strength that God showed me, gave me going through saving Jacob .... was building me for something bigger, FOR THIS. Everything happens for a reason! I learned each day comes. Life goes on. It all works out. I stress so much less because of it and live each day more that I probably ever would have. Back to the everything happens for a reason... we don't understand things as they happen usually but it is after the fact now I am so thankful. Mark and I have talked our entire relationship about wanting to find a church home, raise our children to know the Lord, for us to live a Godly life....but talk was all it was. We never were ready I suppose. Our time is now! We have found an amazing church family @ Antioh Christian Church here in Elk City! Mark got baptized! WE, as a family, are on fire about our relationship and new life for the Lord! I never now how to say the right things...but GOD IS SO MIGHTY!  GOD IS SO WONDERFUL! The way he has touched our family this last year... how can I even explain?! I am not good with words by far... and I doubt even typing this up...but how amazing is it! When I thought my life was where I truly wanted it to be, I was truly happy....  I still lacked the most important thing. I can now say that I have never been happier. It was amazing to see Mark be baptized (BTW I have already been baptized). I have never been more touched by my husband. Is life perfect? NO! But the relationship we are building I would never trade for anything in the world. It isn't always easy but giving it all to God, makes it where it is easy when life is getting hard to just visualize the devil knocking at my door and grinning. It's much easier to deny him any room in my heart, my life, my family, my marriage. He won a battle in my life but the war will never be won by him. I believe more so than ever...the devil will work on your tiniest weakness and not give up! The great thing to know also is that GOD IS ALMIGHTY! AND HE NEVER GIVES UP EITHER!  He hasn't given up on Mark and I. He made us for each other for a reasno. He knows even if we haven't...I know this is a long mess I am sure...but one day I will know a better way to describe how the worst thing I could imagine gave light to the best thing I could ever hope for my marriage and family.
One thing I do want to say is I got really involved in church in high school and felt then a great feeling, felt I knew Christ and His word....but it it is like I am repeating a grade when I read the Bible or am studying. I know the material bc have heard it but it feels like I am reading it for the first time bc I never truly "learned" it the first time. It is hard bc I have never been afraid to ask questions say at OSU so why is it I get so tongue tied and feel so dense when I want to ask about a scripture, or say what I think about something or ask what something means more in depth bc I feel I am at the bottom of the learning scale and don't know????? I am not afraid to say I have not lived the most dedicated life and do not know the Bible inside and out but at the same time I also feel like it is looked upon like I am not true bc I don't know by now and I am 30.... Seems like this to me. Say your passion is to be a veterinarian like mine once was.... you at some point want to know all there is to know! You want that to be your life! However, you have to make the time to learn it right?! Your first year of high school you aren't going to be able to sit iItn a room with vets and know the details of it all-right? It seems the same with learning about the devoted life I am going to live from now on and have dedicated myself to.So I am going to let up the pressure on myself a bit. I feel that God has a purpose for me, has been calling to me... I just gotta figure it out and He will guide me without me even realizing at some points so for now I am studying.I am learning! I do want to know His word... it just takes time. So perhaps I will keep my mouth shut a while and just take in as much as I can, take it all in...and study study study on my own....
that is coming first; so the house may just have to be a mess more, coupons not cut/organized as quickly, etc... for tonight... I need sleep! lol So here is to me being more accountable and learning more by actually posting this and not just deleting it! I AM ME. I DO NOT KNOW IT ALL. I HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS AND NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE THEM...  plain and simple...