I am not sure what it is about a day that tells me to post a blog...but had one of those today. As most people who are directly in my life know, there have been MANY, MANY changes to my life. The first big one that everyone asks about is my job. Yes I quit my job of 3 years, that I have had since we moved to Elk City, and yes I am again a stay-at-home mom(work-at-home mom is more like it WAHM). I enjoyed it so much when I was able to with Noah and wanted desperately to when we had Jacob; however, I couldn't bc of God's plan for us at that time, with Jacob's health problems, & me carrying the insurance due to having a state job. I feel I need to say bc many people may have not known me when I was pregnant or before even a few months ago; I didn't drink when pregnant, nor ever do drugs, or anything that would ever endanger the life I grew inside me. I did drink more sodas with Jacob than with Noah's pregnancy...so who knows what caused all his little things. I do know that God had a plan & I am so looking forward to Jacob's testimony when he is older.... I know mine is in here just waiting for the time! lol Ok side tracked...lol
I am loving so much getting to stay home with Jacob and being able to take and pick Noah up from school!!! I have always known I wanted to be a mommy and what other job that breaks my soul daily could ever be more important than my boys. I will say that my job began to go downhill when I was pregnant and I thought got better but ya know when a place is just so spirit-breaking, draining, and the higher you lift your life to God; the worse it gets...kinda a clue it is a bad place to be. On top of all that, I was given a coworker's job who had left in December so I was having to be a part of juvenile court, hearings, cases, etc.... and I never signed up for that! I would get so sick, was unable to sleep so much, and just knowing things that just crushed my heart to have to hear was just another boulder on my heart crushing it daily... I just had enough one day. I honestly had been looking for another job secretly for months & never intended to leave without another job...but I 100% have felt a pull in my life lately and all I can say to explain it..is that I finally trust in God full heartedly. I stress much less & feel I am finally opening my heart to see the lights God is turning on, on my path He has for me. There was a day I woke up and went to work, went to court, and came back to the office where I called Mark in tears and said how many ways can God tell me he has another plan for me..so I went to lunch and typed my notice letter. I don't believe God wanted me there any longer bc after that we all got the flu and I was unable to go back. Boy do you really see how people truly are themselves at that point!!! I was very disappointed by what followed.. I won't go into all that bc I am over the minuscule negatives in my life! I have taken the leap of faith in so many aspects of my life for sure!
It was my plan to find another job...but it has turned into Lord I love this new job you had in mind for me of just staying home. We don't live large or extravagantly by any means, but going from 2 incomes to 1 will make us watch our budget even closer... man these stinking medical bills..wish they could just go away! lol We are praying to pay them off soon!!! The strangest thing I would never understand before going through everything with Jacob is that everything will be ok. God always provides and we are always ok!
In the midst of all this, there are 3 jobs we are praying about for Mark. So when I say a change is a coming.. God has hold of our lives and not that it was just the bottom of the barrel life before by any means, but He is working in every aspect of our lives!!!!!!! Oh and did I mention in my last blog how Mark was baptized??!!! See! Change! Amazing change after being together 9 years to be joined truly in God's name as one!
Many people thought, including myself last year was the end of Mark and I. Man was that a huge shock to me and many that knew us!!!!! So without dreading up all the hardships life seemed to give us all at once...we instead are focusing on the awwwwww moments that have now been made so clear to us. Some people think it's crap, some may roll their eyes... it is my path, my blog... I don't force anyone to read my fb, my blog, my texts. So, the way I feel going through everything with Jacob knocked me to my knees, but I was not completely down and out yet... it made me stronger but not stronger in my path with God. So the next part the devil snaked his way into our paths bc he was scared!!!!!.So in the midst of all of my worst pain I had ever felt and I told my prayer angel (Mary at the Eagle) daily how I kept feeling and trying and trying. Finally she says quit trying and just let go, let God have you. Don't you believe He has a plan for you?! She said more but something about that conversation made me stop and say God has a plan for me? Why would he do that? and suddenly in me was something I can never explain! It was a peace like none-other and that was the beginning of the new life for me. Giving it to God's will rather than my own. I don't know all the answers. I do wish there was a yes or no lots of times! But I know my life is changed and the ups and down will come but the view right now from the mountain top is glorious and the valley that was so dark then, is lit up and blooming flowers. Are the scars still there? Absolutely! And yes there are the days I just have to fall to my knees in the middle of doing something bc a thought will hit me.... but it is easier and easier each day to say hey my life is changed and the scars are reminders I don't want to go back! Look at all we have been through to finally make it here.....
On top of all the amazing things of finding a church home, amazing new friends, etc.. the list goes on and on and on.. we have been able to help Noah so much. Part of me staying home is to help him more! He has ADHD and ODD. It isn't that we are bad parents. It isn't that we are the greatest parents... it is that we just had to understand how to work with him. We are still working daily to help him more and more bc I refuse to take what his preK teacher told me(He is the worse kid she ever knew-made me wasnt to slap her) Bc there are those who help children who need help and there are those who dismiss them with no further effort. If he had a disability people could see, I believe people would understand more, but his is internal. A great new friend I have made along the way has a handicap child and I cherish her so much!!!I have fallen in love with her & her daughter. She understands and supports... no hiding! Her family loves Noah too and understands people treating you like crap when you have a child that needs more help.
Any way... guess I will stop for now and say I am blessed. The title or whatever to this blog Family Means Believing..man do I know truly how deeply that rings true after the last 2 years of my life!
